Sunday, January 25, 2009

I guess I need to tell you.....

A little bit about my son Cayden. He was the most beautiful pleasant little boy you could ever met, maybe I just think that because he was my son but none the less... He was always happy, always smiling and loved everyone. He never met a stranger, he wanted to stop and talk with everyone he saw weather we were outside our house or in the mall. He always had something to say to everyone. He was an outgoing adventurous little boy, and when I say adventurous i mean that literally. He went on more adventures in his short 4 yrs than alot of people go on in their lifetime. He had a great love of Superman, which he got from his Daddy. Everything was about Superman for him and I mean Everything. He lived ate and breathed Superman. He was smart too, he could find his way around a computer at 4 years old better than some adults. He could count to 10 in Spanish, I taught him that (he he) with the help of Dora the explorer. He filled my days with lots of love and adventure and kept me hopping all day long. He loved his big brothers so much and of course they loved him to. He was the light of their lives. He was the youngest of 3 brothers, aged 12, 20 and 25 so as you can imagine he was spoiled.

Tragedy struck our family on November 1st 2007. A day that will live in my mind forever. It all started out as a normal day, The night before we had all went out trick or treating, Cayden his 12 yr old brother Janson and his little cousin Logan. Cayden of course was dressed as.... you guessed it... Superman. That morning Cayden came down stairs after he woke up, just like he did every morning and said the same thing he always said to me. What are we going to eat today. He loved to eat and there wasn't anything he didn't like. I fixed him his favorite, french toast sticks with syrup that he ate while he watched Superman. Janson was in school, Jordan was still in bed and Josh my oldest son lives in Illinois so he don't live with us. The hubby was at work so it was just me and Cayden. After he ate his breakfast he played around the house for awhile watched Superman some more and talked. He was very good at talking and did so alot. Janson came home from school about 3:45 as he did everyday and Cayden was waiting on him so they could play. They wanted to go out in the back yard to throw water balloons so they took out the balloons and proceeded to soak each other. I could hear the roars of laughter coming from the back yard and I knew they were having fun. They stayed in the back yard playing for about an hr and a half maybe longer, they came in for a bit got a snack and then asked if they could go over to the park and play. The park was literally feet from my front door, I could go to the front door look out and see the whole park. I was working at the time, and I told them to go ahead and go play but to be back in an hour. Cayden went to the garage got out his little Styrofoam bat and ball, came to me kissed me and asked, are you happy mom are you happy? He did this alot. I kissed him told him of course I was happy and to have fun. 15 min or so went by and then scary feeling came over me, I cant describe it, i just felt something was not right. Jordan my 20 yr old had just came down stairs at that time and i asked him if he would go out and check on those boys. He went out the door and in what seemed like seconds I heard him screaming Oh my God call 911. I grabbed the phone and ran to the door. I saw him running across the yard carrying Cayden in his arms saying he has been hit by a baseball in the chest. He then said hold on i think he is ok I think he just got the wind knocked out of him. When he got him close to me I could see he was gasping for air and not conscience. I called 911 and started telling the operator what had happened. There was a little boy and his dad at the park and the little boy was throwing a baseball at a pitch back net. Janson had Caydens hand and he broke away from him and ran in front of the ball as it was being pitched at the net and it hit him in the chest. The 911 operator told me to have Jordan lie Cayden down on the floor, about that time the boys father that threw the ball came over too. I was so emotional and upset I couldn't talk to the 911 operator so she asked me to give the phone to someone else. I gave it to the little boys dad who talked with her and then started CPR as Cayden was turning blue. The ambulance showed up within 3 min. But it seems like 3 hrs to me. I had called hubby who was on his way home anyway and he showed up shortly after. They scooped Cayden up off the floor and ran with him to the ambulance. They worked on him for awhile using the defibrillator and doing other things, not sure what but after what seemed like forever they came out and said they were transporting him to the hospital. I asked if I could go in the ambulance with them but they told me no. This really upset me, This is my 4 yr old baby in there and they wont even let me go to comfort him. We got in our own car and followed them. Of course they got there faster than us because they had their lights and sirens on. When we arrived at the hospital there was no place to park in the emergency parking lot. I told hubby just to pull up somewhere and park we didn't have time to look all night so that is what we didn't, I didn't really care if we got a ticket or not, that was not my concern at that time. We went into the hospital told the guy at the door who we were there for an he let us back. When we walked to the back there were dozens of Dr's and nurses standing outside this one room. they all looked at us as we walked in and asked if we were there for Cayden. we said yes they said a dr will be with you shortly, a Dr said I can speak with them now. He walked over to us and said it doesn't look good. Hubby said did you say it doesn't look good and he said yes I'm sorry we have the finest working on him now and that is all i remember besides someone pushing a wheel chair under me sitting me down asking if i was ok. They lead us to this small room where a man came in asked if we needed anything and told us they would be with us when they learned something more. Minutes later that same Dr came in again and said I'm sorry we did all we could do he didn't make it. OMG the feeling that swept over me at that moment. My world collapsed and I didn't know what to do. the whole room was spinning and i was in total shock. It cant be true your wrong you got the wrong person my baby cant be dead i said to him. Your lying to me don't play these games i don't believe you. I'm sorry ma'am. he said. Sorry i thought, sorry doesn't even begin to help. As long as i live I will never forget that Dr's face. I had to get out of there the room was closing in on me and i felt as if i was going to lose it at any moment. I told hubby who was beside himself with pain that I had to go outside or I was going to pass out. The Dr said someone will be in to talk with you shortly if you need anything at all let us now. I want my son back I said can you do that for me? Then i existed the room and went outside. By that time everyone in the whole place knew I had just lost my precious baby. As i was sitting outside trying to comprehend it all people kept coming up to me saying I'm sorry and trying to comfort me. It was of course not helping. I wanted my mom who was thousands of miles away from me. I wanted her to be here and tell me that everything was going to be alright. Then I thought, my mom and dad how am I going to tell them, my brothers Danny's mom and brother. How do you tell someone that their grandson, or nephew is gone? Someone came in to talk to us again I don't remember who as everything was a fog to me from here on out. I remember they said Cayden would be taken to the medical examiners to have an autopsy done and we should call them when we had decided on a funeral home to have him taken to. We had to speak to the police because this was an accident and they wanted to know what had happened as well, they said they had already been to our house to speak with our sons, Then I realized no one had called my sons they were at home waiting to be told what was going on. Just then the Danny's cell rang and it was Jordan and he had to tell him the news, I could hear the screams come out of the other end of the phone and that killed me. What do I do? How can I comfort my other children and tell them everything was going to be ok when i didn't know that myself. They told us we could go in and see Cayden, I wanted to I really did but I just could not bring myself to go in there and look at his cold lifeless body, My hubby went in and to this day i regret my decision not to go in and see him and tell him goodbye. that will haunt me for my lifetime. I just hope and pray that he knew I was there with him through it all, even though they wouldn't let me go back and be with him I hope he knew i was there. That bothers me as well not knowing if he knew mommy and daddy where right there with him.

Finally after what seemed like forever, we were finished talking with people and they told us we could go home. GO home? What? I cant go home without my baby are you kidding me? I cant leave him here in this hospital all alone. No I'm not going home I'm staying. With lots of gentle talking hubby convinced me that I had to go home and be with my other children, as much as I hated to leave him, I knew I had to. We left and got home my other children were so distraught , janson was beside himself with guilt saying I should have never taken him to the park. I called my family and Danny let his know. That was so hard but we got through it. The next day all of my family from Illinois and Some of Danny's family from Ohio were here to be with us. It helped alot to have the love of family to be here to support us and help us thought this rough time.

It has now been over a year since I lose my precious baby, not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him so much. Jason is still in counseling to help him deal with what happened and I think it has helped him alot. We talk about Cayden everyday, I refuse to let anyone forget him. This has taught me many things, one is to never take loved ones for granted, it isn't a given that they will be here from one moment to the next. I have to say this is the biggest challenge I have ever had to face in my life, I'm learning and still grieving, which I know I always will. I have grown as a person I think, I have more compassion for others now and I feel their pain literally. Each moment I get to spend with my family and friends is precious and I treasure each and everyone. Please everyone. Spend time with family and friends let them know how you feel about them and don't hold grudges, if you have a loved one you have fallen out with, please find it in your heart to forgive and love them once again. Life is too short for hate. Cayden had 4 short year to be here with us but he gave us enough love for a life time. He touched many peoples lives and taught alot of valuable lessons. Be the best person you can be as well.
Until next time,


Lazy Housewife said...

I never knew all of Cayden's story till now Sheri and it is so heartbreaking but that is a good message to treasure your time with family.


justme said...

darling you know how it breaks my heart what you had to go through.
Cayden was such a little imp. He made me laugh so much. Now he makes me aware how our loved ones are precious, not to take life for granted and to hug my loved ones every day. He has truly changed this old cynical womans life forever and made me a better person.


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